Dilemma

I know I've said something awful.
I know that hurts and stirs trouble.
Yar, all i know is to stir shit.

I had to speak my mind.
I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks.
Not saying that it will happen but it might.
Especially when it is me, and i don't know how to get past my folks.

I am the most unwilling to leave this.
So i am here hoping that things work out.
Oh what loving hate and hating love.
Love embraces comfortably and hurts like a double edged sword.

I'm there with you, you know?
So don't leave me out of it..

Bad DaY

It's just an ordinary day i told myself..

Just a simple test, you have very much prepared for it.. I repeated

However, I panicked a bit for i din know how much time i have left and they called for pen down when i still have 2 blanks. I hurried and throw in 2 alphabets. Imagine how it feels when 3 friends have gotten the same answer while you didn't. Just another careless mistake I proclaimed. But i still cant get over it, for its the first test, and it is so depressing.. Same for the other test, i call it double fault.

Gotta trust in God, it must be a signal for me to be more careless and alert.. I have been working blindly, relying much on others' expertise. It's about time I teach, and not the other way round. I don't want to be the one who keep asking people to explain.. Gotta catch up with work during recess week.

And i guess my stress comes from the title of a award holder and also for someone who is supposed to be doing well.. Being labeled isn't fun at all.. Although i always say i don't aim high, but who wudn't want that A?

Jiayou~

Not another depressing entry

No.. I'm not depressed, not at all. Just a bit lazy and i haven't had my hands on a lot of issues, so i am rather free, just me and my homework and homework. Just done with my English essay, going to start on my lab report, I'm a bit behind time now.

Heard from xiao mei that it was the end of her and leo. Although i only hear her side of the story, i think that very much speak for the relationship already. I believe that when we get ourselves into a relationship, we got to question whether we are able to commit into it completely, meaning are we able to spend that time with that special person without any grunts, able to compromise and accommodate each other. It is not just an on/off thing, if you feel like it commit, if you don't, then give that person a cold shoulder. It is always good to try and be in our people's shoes, to understand if it were to happen to you, are you able to accept that. Feel that its unfair for xiao mei, from the beginning she was very 'ye man' and pampered type. Slowly she became more lady like and gentle. She then learn to give in sometimes and let be. So much has been changed for the relationship but yet it still ended. Its not worth it at all, perhaps she deserves someone better. I always tell myself that.. the next one will be better. That ensures that once you are over with the aftermath, you are really done with it.

Will try to spend more time with her i guess, provided i can finish my work and stuff on time. Who said university is slack?

Smile

Well, finally i have the time and my hands are itchy to type once again. Having finished my first lab report and my first english assignment, i deem fit to take a good break from more breaks. Haa, it's down to the flooding tutorials that are drowning me. Imagine Statistics like a small wave, Chemistry like a bigger one and Maths like a tidal wave, a tsunami! But i have no choice but to step into the waters, for studies sake. I never say i don't like what i do, but just that it is the first time that i cant understand something even when i try to.

Anyway life has been great, that is why i wear a smile, i don't mean wear but i say wear, outside. Back at home, i love those hermit crab moments, so comfortable, so laid back. I enjoy friends' company too, just that it's the unusual side of me. Went back to church, find that she is very glad to see me back again, just feel that she is like god, who hasn't left me, even if i fall out of grace, even when i am outside the door, or even when i do something wrong, oblivious of his presence. My heart is guilty but my conscience is clear. So here i am, not trying to say much cos that is not important. What is important is to do what is said.

I kinda miss a lot of things, friends and moments. Oh yeah, my top 10 worthy CK is one of them, it is really weird that friends are leaving you one by one to far far away.. Now that the next one is Zhi En, i wonder who in the together 4eva besties are left.. One in Singapore, the other in aussie, one in China, the other in UK. International wor. I miss teaching too, back at woodgrove, miss my kids. Life is imperfect, when we gain some we lose some. When we lose some, we gain some. Realise that converse and statement are both true. I definitely hope that i am gaining more than i lose.

Live life to the fullest. 'Not anymore' is a very scary phrase. =] smile.

Bring me back..

Whoever that happen to be reading this, share with me some light.

Sometimes i just want to move back in time for many things. Things that I've accidentally missed. Things that I've purposely missed and regret. Things that I forgot to miss.

Why? I realise that as we grow up, to become a man, strong and tall, ironically also becoming an old man with a bent back. It is due to the burdens and responsibilties that come with it. I know that I'm mature for my age, but i don't want too, I want to feel childish and be the boy. I am forced to grow fast. Apparently this can't happen, but the life cycle comes.. You grow up through education, then having a career, hopefully get yourself married and take care of your parents. Where is there ever space for you to feel young. Nothing but workload.

Perhaps this is one of the nights i feel pessimistic about life. Doesn't seems to be exciting and that attractive after all.. I would rather stop growing at the age of 19, that i can be so oblivious to many things. I don't have monetary pressures, I can be a hermit crab and enjoy being on my own. I miss those times.

Still don't know how am I going to commit myself to university life yet. Should i do a 50/50 or a 100% and have no life? I need time to think about it. Where is the Mr handle-it-all guy? Now it has come down to this.. Where's the drive and passion? I need to search for it. Time waits for no one, including me.

Bring me back..

Reflect

Didn't think of a way to name this entry, guess that reflection would be fine and someone just gave me this idea. There was tons of things in my mind when i was in the shower just now, basically could be because i have not been using it for quite some time, causing this sort of trauma.

If someone had noticed, i've been stoneing and when asked what am i thinking, i can't even say a word. My thoughts haven't been organised. However, i could feel that it's a sense of depression and anxiety that i might not be able to contain. First part contributing to this probably would be laziness. I can't get out of my comfort zone, being stuck there at the corner, refusing to budge. At least i know this point about myself, there's so much things i need to do but i haven't set my mind on them yet, and could only put them in my mouth and that's it. And all these are just because of me, unwilling to deal with them yet..

1. I need to get rid of the previous phone number. To my horror, that line hasn't been cancelled yet and it's not under my name. My handphone has never been under my own name.. Can't wait to change to Singtel, another like 1.25 years to go.. Back to the topic. I need to pass this bill to the person and ask him/her to cancel the line. Also, i need to develop the photos i've taken in HK/TP and pass the negatives/CDrom over with the currencies and 2 waterbottles. Been thinking about this everyday.

2. My wardrobe, need to be rearranged and those that need to be removed ought to be given away. Cant stand the sight of it now. That includes ironing and pressing all my clothes and i'm starting work next week and schooling in weeks, all the more it has to be neat to prepare myself.

3. Plan my work. Although school hasn't started, nothing much has been done, i have been under much pressure, basically because i am expecting alot from myself, something like dementors do, make you feel you can never be happy again once you think of it. Need to bid for courses, then independent learning, must be able to socialise and make connections, managing time and resources and to be a great teacher in years to come. Where the heck did this burden come from? Beats me. Need to plan my timetable and modules list too. And USP and SPS... dotx.. Just don't wish to miss out anything in these precious studies years.

4. My dear. Constant fear of mine. That this happiness is part of me, that this person will be someone to support me and push me when i'm weary, someone who respects me and consume all my nonsensical actions and words. Afraid that this bubble might burst. Sounds stupid but it is just that this blissfulness set in so quickly that i wonder if it would just go away as quick. Trust me, i have faith in this relationship, just that little lacking in security. So someone can feel that i need hugs more recently right? Love You.

5. Emptiness.. I feel weak because i don't feel that i've accomplished much and there isn't much that i can be proud of myself. Probably it's just a mist, that i can walk out of it when school starts.

This should be it, maybe i need to exercise more and manage my finance and thats all.
When life is tough, the tough goes shopping~!
My glass is fixed and it's going to be half full and since it's half full, why not fill it to the brim?

Pirate's Creed

I have nothing to offer,
but a true heart,
to stay ever faithful and sincere.

Never will i do anything against your will,
or make you do anything against your will.

I will stay by your side
In front or behind you,
to hold and support you when you need me.

I will not do anything behind your back,
To be truthful and clear to you.

I give you my heart,
not asking for anything.
But that you will treasure it
and never let me down.

I'll be loyal and your faithful hubby

Truth,
Pirate

Same Life, Different Living

真的要开始了自己　这场孤单的旅行
走在同样的生活里　过不一样的生命

A human only lives once
Just one life.

Ups or downs
Long or short
Just this once.

Living once again
To be renewed and refreshed
Is done through the mind

One can start a new way of living
Although still the same life
Yet of great difference.

Treasure what you have
Give thanks for you received
For anything in life
Happens just once.

Pirate's Worries

The pirate was actually quite disturbed when he saw some of his friends the other day. They were wondering what's wrong with the pirate, that he is no longer who he used to be or who they used to know and why this person is doing things that feels so wrong to them. The pirate cant help to think what might actually happen if one day all his friends start pointing their fingers at him too.. Why go onto a journey?

Even recently explorer met up with a little bit of problem. No it doesn't really change anything. The pirate hasn't regretted anything that he has done, truly believe in the future.

Shld any storm comes, pirate might not know how to react, but if the explorer is there, and since there's a map, nothing should actually go wrong, right?

Random Thoughts

Fresh from the factory, the brilliantly crafted cup was brought into the shop. The cup is always half full and nothing can ever cause it to become half empty, until one day when it fell to the ground and had a great crack. From that day onwards, no matter how it tried, it could never be half full again. Instead, it wobbled and fell a 2nd time, thinking that nothing can be worse already.

One day, an explorer decided to buy a gift for the pirate and came to this gift shop. He noticed the broken cup, thought that it has once looked beautiful, decided to buy it and try his best to mend it, giving it much tender loving care. In about a week, the cup was good as new again, once again its half full, but at times, still worry that it would fall off the shelf, and so it hope that the explorer will hold tightly onto it and never let it go easily.

I entrusst the cup into your hands. =]

The Departure

Things happen for a reason.
People leave for a purpose.
Time changes for a new season.
Never for a person.

Juliet is tendering her job as the GP teacher and leaving off next week. Same am I. ^5 to that. She is the kind and friendly teacher who talked to me when i just started in PJC. Then i received some snacks on my table at times which were treats from her. Many a times she would greet and smile to me when she sees me. Even today, she gave me a big piece of nougat, dimensions of 20cm x 3 cm x 2cm which was a gift from her friend who went to australia. She was still thanking me for the chocolate chip cookies and amazing it was to enjoy cookies from a guy. Well, its good to share~ Now that she is leaving, and although we are only colleagues for a while, still feel a bit bu se de ba.. always feel blessed to meet people who doesn't fail to make me feel happy and loved. Thanks to this lovely lady~ hee.. Wish her the best and the best.

Time passes and things change. The only thing that is constant in life is change. Can see myself in a few years time, staying with my dear dear, maybe still trying to win each other in monopoly, maybe still watching a movie together, enjoying a simple drink at our usual place, cooking up a meal lovingly, loving God wholeheartedly and also playing mahjong happily. I don't dare to think about how things are going to change, for the better or worse, but for now, i'm happy and contented.. =P

Till now, i have a problem with honesty and truthfulness in a relationship, kinda affected a bit by how the game is played. Simple and simplicity, thats the way of life ba. Why try to create trouble and land oneself into deceit and guilt? If one has known it better, Why still do it? Not losing my head and my mind, but just feel that being true and honest is the supposed right way, not to hide or runaway..

Departure is not the end,
It is the new beginning.
Different is each one's plans,
But never out of hands.

Cheers to life and ever after.

Blasted

We are all the same, given with a difference called uniqueness. But how can life be so different in pathways and decisions. Everyday we face mountains, some as small as deciding where to have dinner, while big one can be deciding what job to take. Different problems and circumstances happen to different people which i find it hard to believe, that although people are so close, but can be yet so far apart from one another.

Jh's mum passed away, was there at the funeral, was expecting him to be down and unsure of what to say also.. But just gave him a pat on his shoulder and wish him take care. Then he was smiling to me and was fine as usual. But underneath that cheerful and playful character, he must be feeling bad ba.. that he had to diguise himself to face us.. I feel for him, that if anything happen to my love ones, i will be very upset, dunno where can i draw my strength then.. Managed to see a few close frens from sec sch, were talking abt sch and work.. Same sec sch, and from now living different lifestyles.. wow..

Big love.. everyone has it.. just that how big is big and how much are u willing to show it.. I've been showered with love, that i feel so comfortable, by littles gestures and acts of kindness.. Mdm Goh gave me chocolates, Jeanette secretly put food on my table, Mrs Tong gives me egg tart, Mr Tan treats me drinks, Mr Chan gave me a lift, Miss Toh helped me with my work, Miss Tan gave me advice, more more more.. A small thing u do sprout a seed and mature into something great.. U give and u shall receive, u reap wad u sow.. Thanks~

Motives are unpredictable and deceits are horrible. We oftern listen and trust people words too much.. In one way or another, we trust the wrong person and thats it.. prepare for something bad to happen.. So before we really set our hearts to believe someone we must be wary and cautious, not to be critical but be alert.. Trust with your heart and brain, and not anywhere else.. Be wisee~

Don't think the way of teaching your own flesh is by beatings and scoldings. These ways are too extreme, maybe once or twice in a while is fine, but if this becomes the only way, where is communication? Kids now need attention, they don't really need someone else to be there to teach them how to study, in fact they are smart enough to handle and tackle them. Heard from Mr tan that normally ADHD will not be able to do well in studies and probably stand no chance to work up to JC level.. Kinda sad that this might come from the genes, that you are born like that and you have to accept it like that.. There must be a way to alter it right?

A Letter to God

Dear Father,

I've been bad, I tried to go against your will, breaking people' hearts and running away from responsibilites. But I wish You will forgive me, for the things that I do. I trust in your will and your strength. Please continue to guide me thru the valley of darkness and help me make the best choice. Most of all, help me find my identity, and know myself more, for i do not know what I want, and the ways of communication. So Father, I love you and I thank you, In Jesus name i pray, Amen.

Prodigal Son

1 Liter of Tears

'Before I give up on anything in life, I should at least cry 1 liter of tears' Aya, 16

'Stop the time! I shouldn't cry anymore. Life is limited, Time has no limits. I shouldn't spend too much time thinking about useless things' Aya, 16

'As i was looking out the window, i saw the beautiful rainbow hiding in the clouds. He said," Such a bliss, that you can sit on a wheelchair to move around." I wished to hammer him hard on the head. Wanted to tell him being able to walk with both legs is the real bliss, but i just refuse to destroy the beautiful rainbow outside." Aya, 16

I've never cried a liter of tears for something that i give up.. I just give up... Such a coward isn't it? Should find the courage to get it back? What if i Fail? Should i try again? Until when then? It's not easy to give up or to pick up from where it ended. But somehow, Aya had that determination to do things with a smile, no matter how hard it may be for her.

Treasure

'Where your treasure be, there your heart will be also.'

I still remember this verse from the bible. I strongly believe in this, there where I put in my heart and soul, definitely there will be a good change. First, i put my efforts in my studies, and I got results that I was proud of. Then I spent time doing lots of things in my work, and the feedbacks and satsifaction were enough to last me through.. And now where am I heading?

Sidetrack

I was on my way home when I saw my 3rd Uncle and my cousin. He has aged a lot, looking older than my dad already. How can people age so fast? Come to think of it, time waits for no one and will secretly laugh at us wasting our own time when we have so much of it. What do we want to accomplish? What do we want in our life? What do we want to change? What are our desires and needs? There's so many of them for a man can never be contented with where he is.

A lot of times we are restricted by rules and regulations, or sometimes we call it the standards to meet. Who says that scholarships can only be given to people with better academic results? What matters is the heart and passion for what they do. By right, we should be able to do things the way we want, lead our lives with no restrictions. But in this pathetic world, some things never change. Time waits for no one, I better complete what I want while I can, life is fragile, anything can happen, anything can go.. Think: What are you going to do tomorrow?

Found Guilty

I feel bad to leave people hanging halfway without a reply. But I've already done that to 3 people. Maybe I'm starting to like this way of singlehood, or maybe I'm waiting for one true person to sweep me off my feet. I don't know how to deal with the people hanging there, is there a way that we can just be friends so that you can get off my back? Will there be a win-win situation rather than getting misunderstood or something bad happen? I love you, my friends.

The Essay that got me the Interview

Topic: What are some of the values and beliefs that you hold strongly to? Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions. (500-word limit)

Imagine a farmer working in the rice field on a hot sunny day. It is the weekend yet it’s like any other weekdays, just work and nothing else. Day after day, rain or shine, the farmer and his cow ploughed the field, whether they are enduring the extremely hot weather or braving the strong cold wind It is through the hardship and determination that the rice plants are fully grown, from a small tiny seed to a healthy seedling, then to a strong sturdy rice plant, and finally harvesting good quality rice grains. Otherwise, if the farmer is lazy and unwilling to work in the unpredictable weather, we would not be able to enjoy such simple yet precious food.

One of the things I believe in is what I reap is what I sow. When I find passion in something I am doing, that I have a vision of how to make it work out and the confidence that it can be accomplished, I would set my mind, heart and soul into the labour. Through challenges, not only that I get strengthened in the process, I gain rewarding and precious experiences too. Hence, I am determined and enthusiastic about what I do, no matter how people think. For instance, I started to bake on my own at the age of 14. I received a number of bad comments from my friends but I did not give up. I continued to bake, improving each time from listening to comments and advice. Now, I have come up with my own secret recipes for delicious chocolate chip cookies.

I also believe in being responsible to myself and to others. That is being available and accountable. Just like the farmer, who continued to work, in spite of the drastic weathers, sacrificing rest time to nurture the seedlings into healthy rice plants – that is responsibility, doing things without hesitations or complains and knowing his or her rightful role and part to play. An example would be the fun and enriching teaching experience in Woodgrove Primary School. Although I was employed only as a relief teacher, receiving pay on a daily basis, I worked longer than the required hours most of the time. I go to school early and even bring work home; so as to make sure that everything is going according to plan and that the students are taken care of in all aspects. I knew that I have to do all that.

Finally, I believe in being optimistic and always looking at things from a different view. I feel hopeful about the matters that I handle, that a stumbling block can become a stepping stone. In this way, problems that are impossible to solve can be engaged in another way. A failure only brings me closer to success as a winner is someone who never quit, not someone who never fails.

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Now that I've gotten the TA, I need to practice what I preach, no matter how bad conditions are, I will work hard, because this is where I belong in.

10 People/Things who impacted my life

#05 - Mark & Sec Sch Friends

We started as enemies. I sat behind him and he is always talking and quite plump at that time. Would always ask him to shut his trap and keep quiet. After a while, heard about him and his fractured arm, and was at home for like 1month. Out of pity, I decided to ask him about his arm and make peace with him and that was how the friendship started. We live near each other and so we would meet up and go school together and go home together with Junhao. Most of the time, especially Fridays which is Friesday, we will enjoy our favorite cheese fries at KFC or student Pizza meal at Pizza Hut. We both like a girl from the class, both kanna rejected lar. Funny lor.. We are quite the same, don't really like people to read us like a book and so we would not say much, for me i would talk crap, he doesn't even talk crap. He is quiet in front of people while when we are alone, he talked lots of crap. So when people think he is quiet and reserved, i'll be like since when?! When we talked weird stuff, he even moaned a few times to let me listen. Haa.. wonderful memories with Secondary friends, wished it would last longer. especially 4E2 was such a nice group of people to hang out with. I truly think that the good looking and kind hearted people all came from this class.. Really wish this buddy well, that since he has found who he loves, take good care of this da sao and never let her down. She is a good person I know. Haa.. =]

#04 - Sally & Grandma

Thanks to both of them for showering me with love, that I grow up knowing that there's always family to fall back on to share my burdens and miseries. There's always family to celebrate and share my joys. Can remember I received my first MP3 player when I was 18 from my aunt, so that I can use when I'm in camp. It really accompanied me for quite some time until it was spoilt. I still have it with me. I merely mentioned that I'm going to buy it soon, and I got it as a present. All the times when we go out together, both of them will be eager to pay for the expenses. They just keep giving and giving. Will worry and think for you but will not interfere too much. Since Primary School, I always hang out with Sally and my cousins, we get to go for good meals, great fun and entertainment. Although we are all grown up, we have learnt to be filial and respectful. That is why we are turned out well and becoming really nice people, hee.. Thanks for the unconditional love. I will visit more and take care of you all.

#03 - Jac

Find it weird to place her here, because I don't love her or wad. Just that this person has been very nice and sensitive to my needs. Sometimes she tried too hard and too much to read me and know me, making me uncomfortable and pretty much close up my emotions and feelings. I have to protect myself. And now I have to try and open up because although I can blog and write well, I cant express my views, opinions and feelings with words, and people might think that I'm zombified. Sometimes I cared too much. I care for her, and I really do. Just that I just want this to work as a good friend thing, not something that is about love. Her persistence sometimes drives me nuts and I just want to runaway. She is someone I feared for a long time, cant seem to get rid of her using the harsh way or soft way. She is loyal and ever giving. I don't really want her to change so much for me, because it's not worth it. I'm nobody. But somehow, she manages to know me quite well, but not the true me.. [no one really know the true me, not even myself]. More than a fairy god-mother, will think that she is a protective angel, that always set for me a safety net to hold me. She worries about me more than myself and thinks a lot about me more than myself. Really do hope she can cut some slacks, that she can think more about herself, than to spend too much time and effort on me, because it may seems like a bottomless pit. But still, i like this person as a good friend, i deny stuffs because i don't want her to know that I will miss her or what, causing more wrong thoughts.. Thanks.. thats' all I can ever say. I'm always the receiving end, but I hope you find your true happiness and fulfillment from life.

#02 - Bernard

Seems like this will be a scar on my heart for long time and a crack in my glass forever. Could never love this person more already. He has helped me to open up, making me talk and talk, but it wasn't really working lar, since what I can talk about this only my passion for teaching, that was developed when I was teaching in Woodgrove. But i do think that I've become more expressive and stuff. By nature, I'm practical, calculative and thrifty. When I'm with him, I think I gave what I can to exchange for happiness and blissfulness because I thought I have found the right person to spend my life with. I've never been that willing to do things for someone. Other than the end that happened in March, I guessed i've never been so happy in my entire 20 years of life. Thanks my dear, although we can no longer be that close already. But just want to say that the greatest thing I know from him is neverchanging friendship. When i'm with his Secondary friends, I wished they were mine, a nice group to mix with, when I thought that most/all friends are just passerbys that there's no true friendship that can really last, especially from Secondary school. I really envy him for that, for having such wonderful friends who can accept who he is and appreciate one another. I grow to treasure friendship more and more. I also found out more about myself, what I really want in my life, and the type of person I want for myself. Hope he has already found his happiness, and living well alright. =]

#01 - Dad and his kidney problem

Nothing has ever affected me this much. First time i see my father, who is always known to be strong and healthy, to be so vulnerable and weak on the sick bed. I got quite a shocked when my uncle fetched me after school to visit my dad. At that time, they thought he could not make it le. A normal kidney failure patient would have 800+ toxin in his blood, my dad is 3 times that, enough to kill and take him away. Thank god he is still around, but guess life would never be the same again. That was the day medicine and dialysis entered his life. This is an expensive illness, that requires money to sustain his life. When I reached his sick bed, the first thing he asked was if I've eaten. I was so touched but I din really cry. What i know is my father love me so much. He is so responsible, working so hard when i was born just to earn more money for this family. And now this is what he get, how unfair i thought. That was also the first incident I hugged my mum so hard and cried so hard together. Cant forget that day ever. From that day, I 'kai qiao' le. Studies is my own way to make my parents proud of me and that is why i became more hardworking and diligent since then, and helped me thru my O levels and my A levels. Especially when i heard that my results have some links to the amt of subsidies we get from NKF. I've become more matured and practical since then. Must continue to work hard in Uni to make my family proud of me. I will!

10 People/Things who impacted my life

Giving a tribute to people/things who/which impacted my life a lot and make changes to me, to who I am today and in the future.

#10 - CK Hong

Cant believe that this person is on the list. Traumatic 2 long years in army, I was accompanied by JN Puay, ZE Tan, YM Tan and JS Yeung whom I felt comfortable with throughout NS life. I would even call them long-term friends, to infinity and beyond if they are willing.. But this special one, I must make him my lifetime friend. Good thing i do not have any exterior sexual motive on him and totally uninterested in him, that I'm sure i will not fall for him at all. He brings laughter and drama into my life eversince i know him. He thinks fast, make decisions swiftly, is efficient and takes initiative. Other than that, he is my confidant and good friend. To him, most probably I'm someone who he can make use of to pass time when he is travelling or when he is bored. Somemore he is demanding and always have a motive for what he does but lesser than YK Khoo =P However, i am glad to fill in his empty spaces to accompany him through as a great companion and trustworthy friend. That faithful night, he managed to make me open up to accept who I truly is. If not.. I cant even think of if not..

#09 - Annie & CHC

Ya true, this is it. Although i stopped going for services and CGMs for quite some times, I still think about them, about her and about God. I still trust God in the things that He does and believe in what He can do. Anything is possible with God. Going to church was another place where I get to know more people like Xiao Mei, Ray, Leo and many others who are kind and friendly, people who I can relate to and feel comfortable talking to. But because CHC is strongly against who I am, I decided to back off a while, despite for what I feel about the people I know, the word of God and stuffs. Big sacrifice i Know. Living a triple life isn't easy, no one can know that more than me. However, it is CHC that helped me to learn more about God, things we can do to cope with problems, things we can do show our love and compassion with people around us, helping me, the emotionless one, to feel a bit more warmth. And Annie, I'm really sorry that I broke her heart, and that may be more than once. Cant pick up that courage to tell her everything that is happening. She had been such a good friend, always giving care and concern, always righteous but never failed to lift my spirits. Agape, real and true love that comes from the heart, is what I see from her. She had made me a better person, pushing me to do things I never thought I could, experiencing more things in life that are fulfilling and wonderful. Can never thank you more.

#08 - Mdm Chao & Mrs Poretti

Teachers from my secondary school, never knew how much values they have input in me. Haa.. Unhappiness striked me when I was in Sec 3, things turned pretty bad. If I'm not careful, I might not be able to study well and end up somewhere. These two teachers are the ones that are not just teachers, but more like friends. Especially Mdm Chao, who will pick me out and talk to me about my dad and my plans, showing concern about what I'm planning to do. ANd me, in return, will inform her if anything happens, like my 'A' Level results and stuff. And for Mrs Poretti, I see how strong a person can be to fight cancer illness. Been to her house to visit her when she was down with sickness. She still wears a smile and greeted me with the same cheerful tone like she did in school. So heartwarming it was and what a heartache that was to know she is sick. Life is tough enough for her, yet she wants to bring smiles to people. Remember during Chinese New Year few years ago, she gave me Hong Bao twice, think she forgot lar, somemore contains like 8 bucks. She is an australian yet she immersed herself in our Chinese culture. I love this 2 teachers. Gotta see them soon. Really thank them for teaching me to be who I am.

#07 - Mum and Mahjong

Not something I'm really proud of actually. But my mum and her addiction to Mahjong did shape me. Spent years sitting beside her to watch her play and at the same time learning it. When I was young, she would shoo me away if she was down with bad luck and wouldn't want me to disturb her. When I was in JC, she would actually talk to me about her wrong moves. Often, we would laugh about the tiles and the way the game was played. And now after NS, I am her disciple, to play when she is not free or when the bids are small. I learnt the game from her like that. But actually, i was made independent and more of an introvert because of this. She used to play everyday, so i would return home to see $6, half for lunch and half for dinner. I would spend my whole day at home, either doing things with the computer or doing my work. I learn to work on my own and be very disciplined. So i acutally can be patient with things and also enjoy the peacefulness of life when i'm alone.

#06 - SJAB

Was named Teletubbies because I was fat and when I did footdrill, I was bouncing up and down like one. That was Sec 2 when I finally give my sweat and blood to SJAB. I was then motivated by the ranks and positions, came week after week because of the friends i make there, and the useful First Aid I learn from there. I did not dread CCA at all during that time. Every week I do something new and when I got promoted and became a NCO, I acquire leadership position and is able to train myself to train people and pass on my knowledge. And it was SJAB that I went someone I like, and decided to lose my weight just for her. Losing over 10kg to look better wasn't an easy feat. I had to jog everyday and suffer by eating only an apple, a sweet and a little rice for the whole day. Never felt that hungry. I also learnt to speak up and express my views, to be more humorus and fun-loving, from the late Jun wei, a friend who I lost when I was in Sec 2.

Alright, I feel tired typing so much. Gotta rest. Complete this tomorrow.

Life - the things we thought we knew about

Many a time, we question about our hopes and dreams, whether they are unrealistic or achievable, gigantic or tiny. In search of the truth and answers to life, we often neglect the fundamentals and essential parts we already knew what truly satifies our mind, body and soul; what is it that really drives us, to have the passion for what we do, and what do we, as human beings really seek after?

No, I'm not trying to tell myself how I should make life interesting and exciting or how to go about managing my time wisely, living life to the fullest. This is because each of us is unique since the day we are born. Research has shown that in this entire world, there will be about 7 people who wlll look exactly the same. But we know, even if that is so, no one can ever be me! Therefore there is no 'one size fits all' theory or '101 ways to living a fulfilled life' guide to life. Question: Do we control our lives or are we controlled by our lives?

The true sadness of life is that it is not a CD player, that we can press pause when we feel like it, rewind when we do something wrong or forward to see what's going to happen before making the next move. Life also isn't a package that you can expect things to happen as they are supposed to be. A healthy person can die the next moment. A cancer patient may survive with a miracle. A businessman can lose everything overnight while a poor old man can strike lottery suddenly. No matter how life changes or how fate twists, there's a limit to what we can do. Does that mean that we are controlled by our lives?

Well, think life as a journey. Throughout this journey, be sure to expect splendid and exciting encounters that await. What are they? It doesn't really matter. A good thing will lift up one's spirits, bring in new hopes and perhaps, make an impact. A bad thing, however, is not something we can shun, but it is an experience, a lesson learnt and also time for reflection. Ever look yourself into the mirror and tell yourself how much you like yourself and how much you hate yourself? Try that, find out why good things have not happened to you or why you are always encountering bad things. There's no such thing as luck. One may feel lucky, but that is most probably a coincidence. We can work for what we want, do what we want, choose the friends we want, everything we seem to be able to make a choice up to our individuals' abilities. So to a certain extent, we do make a difference to the life we are living now.

What life may seem, uncertain and unpredictable. The only way is for me to embrace what life offers bravely and wait patiently too. Do not ever let missed opportunites and unwanted regrets happen. Don't lose faith in whatever you believe in. Make necessary changes that are good. Nothing beats believing in yourself and only yourself. Cheers to life. Treasure and behold.

After Life

Here goes, a new blog about the life of Jasper. Not so interesting, not very exciting, yet records what I feel about things happening around me. Watch Out!