I know I've said something awful.
I know that hurts and stirs trouble.
Yar, all i know is to stir shit.
I had to speak my mind.
I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks.
Not saying that it will happen but it might.
Especially when it is me, and i don't know how to get past my folks.
I am the most unwilling to leave this.
So i am here hoping that things work out.
Oh what loving hate and hating love.
Love embraces comfortably and hurts like a double edged sword.
I'm there with you, you know?
So don't leave me out of it..
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Bad DaY
It's just an ordinary day i told myself..
Just a simple test, you have very much prepared for it.. I repeated
However, I panicked a bit for i din know how much time i have left and they called for pen down when i still have 2 blanks. I hurried and throw in 2 alphabets. Imagine how it feels when 3 friends have gotten the same answer while you didn't. Just another careless mistake I proclaimed. But i still cant get over it, for its the first test, and it is so depressing.. Same for the other test, i call it double fault.
Gotta trust in God, it must be a signal for me to be more careless and alert.. I have been working blindly, relying much on others' expertise. It's about time I teach, and not the other way round. I don't want to be the one who keep asking people to explain.. Gotta catch up with work during recess week.
And i guess my stress comes from the title of a award holder and also for someone who is supposed to be doing well.. Being labeled isn't fun at all.. Although i always say i don't aim high, but who wudn't want that A?
Jiayou~
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Not another depressing entry
No.. I'm not depressed, not at all. Just a bit lazy and i haven't had my hands on a lot of issues, so i am rather free, just me and my homework and homework. Just done with my English essay, going to start on my lab report, I'm a bit behind time now.
Heard from xiao mei that it was the end of her and leo. Although i only hear her side of the story, i think that very much speak for the relationship already. I believe that when we get ourselves into a relationship, we got to question whether we are able to commit into it completely, meaning are we able to spend that time with that special person without any grunts, able to compromise and accommodate each other. It is not just an on/off thing, if you feel like it commit, if you don't, then give that person a cold shoulder. It is always good to try and be in our people's shoes, to understand if it were to happen to you, are you able to accept that. Feel that its unfair for xiao mei, from the beginning she was very 'ye man' and pampered type. Slowly she became more lady like and gentle. She then learn to give in sometimes and let be. So much has been changed for the relationship but yet it still ended. Its not worth it at all, perhaps she deserves someone better. I always tell myself that.. the next one will be better. That ensures that once you are over with the aftermath, you are really done with it.
Will try to spend more time with her i guess, provided i can finish my work and stuff on time. Who said university is slack?
Heard from xiao mei that it was the end of her and leo. Although i only hear her side of the story, i think that very much speak for the relationship already. I believe that when we get ourselves into a relationship, we got to question whether we are able to commit into it completely, meaning are we able to spend that time with that special person without any grunts, able to compromise and accommodate each other. It is not just an on/off thing, if you feel like it commit, if you don't, then give that person a cold shoulder. It is always good to try and be in our people's shoes, to understand if it were to happen to you, are you able to accept that. Feel that its unfair for xiao mei, from the beginning she was very 'ye man' and pampered type. Slowly she became more lady like and gentle. She then learn to give in sometimes and let be. So much has been changed for the relationship but yet it still ended. Its not worth it at all, perhaps she deserves someone better. I always tell myself that.. the next one will be better. That ensures that once you are over with the aftermath, you are really done with it.
Will try to spend more time with her i guess, provided i can finish my work and stuff on time. Who said university is slack?
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Smile
Well, finally i have the time and my hands are itchy to type once again. Having finished my first lab report and my first english assignment, i deem fit to take a good break from more breaks. Haa, it's down to the flooding tutorials that are drowning me. Imagine Statistics like a small wave, Chemistry like a bigger one and Maths like a tidal wave, a tsunami! But i have no choice but to step into the waters, for studies sake. I never say i don't like what i do, but just that it is the first time that i cant understand something even when i try to.
Anyway life has been great, that is why i wear a smile, i don't mean wear but i say wear, outside. Back at home, i love those hermit crab moments, so comfortable, so laid back. I enjoy friends' company too, just that it's the unusual side of me. Went back to church, find that she is very glad to see me back again, just feel that she is like god, who hasn't left me, even if i fall out of grace, even when i am outside the door, or even when i do something wrong, oblivious of his presence. My heart is guilty but my conscience is clear. So here i am, not trying to say much cos that is not important. What is important is to do what is said.
I kinda miss a lot of things, friends and moments. Oh yeah, my top 10 worthy CK is one of them, it is really weird that friends are leaving you one by one to far far away.. Now that the next one is Zhi En, i wonder who in the together 4eva besties are left.. One in Singapore, the other in aussie, one in China, the other in UK. International wor. I miss teaching too, back at woodgrove, miss my kids. Life is imperfect, when we gain some we lose some. When we lose some, we gain some. Realise that converse and statement are both true. I definitely hope that i am gaining more than i lose.
Live life to the fullest. 'Not anymore' is a very scary phrase. =] smile.
Anyway life has been great, that is why i wear a smile, i don't mean wear but i say wear, outside. Back at home, i love those hermit crab moments, so comfortable, so laid back. I enjoy friends' company too, just that it's the unusual side of me. Went back to church, find that she is very glad to see me back again, just feel that she is like god, who hasn't left me, even if i fall out of grace, even when i am outside the door, or even when i do something wrong, oblivious of his presence. My heart is guilty but my conscience is clear. So here i am, not trying to say much cos that is not important. What is important is to do what is said.
I kinda miss a lot of things, friends and moments. Oh yeah, my top 10 worthy CK is one of them, it is really weird that friends are leaving you one by one to far far away.. Now that the next one is Zhi En, i wonder who in the together 4eva besties are left.. One in Singapore, the other in aussie, one in China, the other in UK. International wor. I miss teaching too, back at woodgrove, miss my kids. Life is imperfect, when we gain some we lose some. When we lose some, we gain some. Realise that converse and statement are both true. I definitely hope that i am gaining more than i lose.
Live life to the fullest. 'Not anymore' is a very scary phrase. =] smile.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Bring me back..
Whoever that happen to be reading this, share with me some light.
Sometimes i just want to move back in time for many things. Things that I've accidentally missed. Things that I've purposely missed and regret. Things that I forgot to miss.
Why? I realise that as we grow up, to become a man, strong and tall, ironically also becoming an old man with a bent back. It is due to the burdens and responsibilties that come with it. I know that I'm mature for my age, but i don't want too, I want to feel childish and be the boy. I am forced to grow fast. Apparently this can't happen, but the life cycle comes.. You grow up through education, then having a career, hopefully get yourself married and take care of your parents. Where is there ever space for you to feel young. Nothing but workload.
Perhaps this is one of the nights i feel pessimistic about life. Doesn't seems to be exciting and that attractive after all.. I would rather stop growing at the age of 19, that i can be so oblivious to many things. I don't have monetary pressures, I can be a hermit crab and enjoy being on my own. I miss those times.
Still don't know how am I going to commit myself to university life yet. Should i do a 50/50 or a 100% and have no life? I need time to think about it. Where is the Mr handle-it-all guy? Now it has come down to this.. Where's the drive and passion? I need to search for it. Time waits for no one, including me.
Sometimes i just want to move back in time for many things. Things that I've accidentally missed. Things that I've purposely missed and regret. Things that I forgot to miss.
Why? I realise that as we grow up, to become a man, strong and tall, ironically also becoming an old man with a bent back. It is due to the burdens and responsibilties that come with it. I know that I'm mature for my age, but i don't want too, I want to feel childish and be the boy. I am forced to grow fast. Apparently this can't happen, but the life cycle comes.. You grow up through education, then having a career, hopefully get yourself married and take care of your parents. Where is there ever space for you to feel young. Nothing but workload.
Perhaps this is one of the nights i feel pessimistic about life. Doesn't seems to be exciting and that attractive after all.. I would rather stop growing at the age of 19, that i can be so oblivious to many things. I don't have monetary pressures, I can be a hermit crab and enjoy being on my own. I miss those times.
Still don't know how am I going to commit myself to university life yet. Should i do a 50/50 or a 100% and have no life? I need time to think about it. Where is the Mr handle-it-all guy? Now it has come down to this.. Where's the drive and passion? I need to search for it. Time waits for no one, including me.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Reflect
Didn't think of a way to name this entry, guess that reflection would be fine and someone just gave me this idea. There was tons of things in my mind when i was in the shower just now, basically could be because i have not been using it for quite some time, causing this sort of trauma.
If someone had noticed, i've been stoneing and when asked what am i thinking, i can't even say a word. My thoughts haven't been organised. However, i could feel that it's a sense of depression and anxiety that i might not be able to contain. First part contributing to this probably would be laziness. I can't get out of my comfort zone, being stuck there at the corner, refusing to budge. At least i know this point about myself, there's so much things i need to do but i haven't set my mind on them yet, and could only put them in my mouth and that's it. And all these are just because of me, unwilling to deal with them yet..
1. I need to get rid of the previous phone number. To my horror, that line hasn't been cancelled yet and it's not under my name. My handphone has never been under my own name.. Can't wait to change to Singtel, another like 1.25 years to go.. Back to the topic. I need to pass this bill to the person and ask him/her to cancel the line. Also, i need to develop the photos i've taken in HK/TP and pass the negatives/CDrom over with the currencies and 2 waterbottles. Been thinking about this everyday.
2. My wardrobe, need to be rearranged and those that need to be removed ought to be given away. Cant stand the sight of it now. That includes ironing and pressing all my clothes and i'm starting work next week and schooling in weeks, all the more it has to be neat to prepare myself.
3. Plan my work. Although school hasn't started, nothing much has been done, i have been under much pressure, basically because i am expecting alot from myself, something like dementors do, make you feel you can never be happy again once you think of it. Need to bid for courses, then independent learning, must be able to socialise and make connections, managing time and resources and to be a great teacher in years to come. Where the heck did this burden come from? Beats me. Need to plan my timetable and modules list too. And USP and SPS... dotx.. Just don't wish to miss out anything in these precious studies years.
4. My dear. Constant fear of mine. That this happiness is part of me, that this person will be someone to support me and push me when i'm weary, someone who respects me and consume all my nonsensical actions and words. Afraid that this bubble might burst. Sounds stupid but it is just that this blissfulness set in so quickly that i wonder if it would just go away as quick. Trust me, i have faith in this relationship, just that little lacking in security. So someone can feel that i need hugs more recently right? Love You.
5. Emptiness.. I feel weak because i don't feel that i've accomplished much and there isn't much that i can be proud of myself. Probably it's just a mist, that i can walk out of it when school starts.
This should be it, maybe i need to exercise more and manage my finance and thats all.
When life is tough, the tough goes shopping~!
My glass is fixed and it's going to be half full and since it's half full, why not fill it to the brim?
If someone had noticed, i've been stoneing and when asked what am i thinking, i can't even say a word. My thoughts haven't been organised. However, i could feel that it's a sense of depression and anxiety that i might not be able to contain. First part contributing to this probably would be laziness. I can't get out of my comfort zone, being stuck there at the corner, refusing to budge. At least i know this point about myself, there's so much things i need to do but i haven't set my mind on them yet, and could only put them in my mouth and that's it. And all these are just because of me, unwilling to deal with them yet..
1. I need to get rid of the previous phone number. To my horror, that line hasn't been cancelled yet and it's not under my name. My handphone has never been under my own name.. Can't wait to change to Singtel, another like 1.25 years to go.. Back to the topic. I need to pass this bill to the person and ask him/her to cancel the line. Also, i need to develop the photos i've taken in HK/TP and pass the negatives/CDrom over with the currencies and 2 waterbottles. Been thinking about this everyday.
2. My wardrobe, need to be rearranged and those that need to be removed ought to be given away. Cant stand the sight of it now. That includes ironing and pressing all my clothes and i'm starting work next week and schooling in weeks, all the more it has to be neat to prepare myself.
3. Plan my work. Although school hasn't started, nothing much has been done, i have been under much pressure, basically because i am expecting alot from myself, something like dementors do, make you feel you can never be happy again once you think of it. Need to bid for courses, then independent learning, must be able to socialise and make connections, managing time and resources and to be a great teacher in years to come. Where the heck did this burden come from? Beats me. Need to plan my timetable and modules list too. And USP and SPS... dotx.. Just don't wish to miss out anything in these precious studies years.
4. My dear. Constant fear of mine. That this happiness is part of me, that this person will be someone to support me and push me when i'm weary, someone who respects me and consume all my nonsensical actions and words. Afraid that this bubble might burst. Sounds stupid but it is just that this blissfulness set in so quickly that i wonder if it would just go away as quick. Trust me, i have faith in this relationship, just that little lacking in security. So someone can feel that i need hugs more recently right? Love You.
5. Emptiness.. I feel weak because i don't feel that i've accomplished much and there isn't much that i can be proud of myself. Probably it's just a mist, that i can walk out of it when school starts.
This should be it, maybe i need to exercise more and manage my finance and thats all.
When life is tough, the tough goes shopping~!
My glass is fixed and it's going to be half full and since it's half full, why not fill it to the brim?
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